1. Well-written and acted characters (if story has a narrative arc)
2. Fluid controls
3. Well-stated and achievable goals
4. Challenge without frustration (or at least that positive frustration that makes you jump that impossible gap over and over and over once more)
5. Attractive art style
6. Fun! Exciting! Entertaining!

I don’t think that my list is too demanding. I’m not exactly sure how IGN or the VGAs come to their decision but I can’t imagine that their list does not include most of these considerations. How has Uncharted 2 measured up so far? Read on, intrepid gamer, for my super important, all encompassing opinion.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves definitely wins in the character development / narrative development category. The story is exciting. The characters are funny and somewhat complex. I didn’t feel the urge to poke myself in the eye every time a female character was on-screen. This is a good thing. What games like Uncharted and Dead Space have over games like Alan Wake is that the narrative is tucked into every nuance of the game and is a surface conceit. Also, neither game pretends to be “scholarly” or a game for “readers and writers.” Alan Wake‘s main conceit was that an active force was scripting the experience. And that active force is supposedly a comparable writer to Stephen King. What a dangerous comparision! This means that Alan Wake should be as well-written as The Dark Tower or  Carrie. Yeash. What a way to set the bar impossibly high.  Of course, Uncharted and Dead Space are both scripted but they don’t throw it in your face that you as a player are helpless to change events.

Games are little worlds where players can pretend to be gods. Acknowledging the script is for actors not for viewers or players. Otherwise, one feels distracted and torn between God-like and a fool. I can only think of a few examples where acknowledging scripts is effective and one is Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, a Tom Stoppard play, and the other is Adaption, a Spike Jonze movie. Notice both of these works are theatre-based and not game-based. Uncharted 2 sweeps the player into the action and moves them along at the pace of an action film. As does Dead Space and a horror film. This is not to say that I believe that a video game can be a theatre experience anymore than a theatre experience can be a video game. The two mediums can borrow from each other but I think the attempt to make every game interaction film quality is near-sighted. Game narrative pacing should definitely utilize dramatic tropes. Films should attempt to engage viewers in a more varied internal stimulation. Books, theatre, film, and games are all related in that they tell stories but they are vastly different. (Oh and Nathan Fillion would be freakin’ awesome as Drake.)

The film narrative to game narrative relationship is an area that Naughty Dog both succeeds and fails in. There are certain cinematic choices that are a determent to completely fluid controls. How so, you ask? Take, for example, when Drake has to jump a suspiciously large gap. Normally, I would run as fast as I can towards the edge of the gap and launch my character as far as possible to guarantee a safe landing. Not so in Uncharted 2. In Uncharted 2 each jump is cinematic. Drake as to have a mid-air flail and struggle to pull himself onto the ledge. This means that no matter the gap size, if Drake has to travel in a direction, he will always make the jump. Therefore, I cannot judge correctly if I can make a jump or not. I have to willingly fling my character over gaps of various size and assume that Drake will make it because it’s in the script. If it is the correct direction, Drake will make it 100% of the time. I have found that this cinematic jump mechanic has seriously cut down on the challenge and exploratory anxiety normally associated with taking such a risk. It seems that the only time I fail and fall is by complete random mistake and not due to challenge.

Oh, you Naughty Dog!

Another control issue arises when the player attempts to sneak up on a bad guy and use the sleeper kill tactic. For some odd reason, the button that I always push for the sleeper attack no longer functions in the same manner if I am hiding behind something. Now, instead of just tapping the square button, I have to move forward and tap the square button and hope that the guard does not become aware of my awkward fumbling.  Of course, most of the times I try and sneak behind a railing to grab a guy, Drake completely spazzes out and jumps right into the open.  I’m sure there are smoother operators than I out there, but after playing a game like Splinter Cell: Conviction, I know that there are better duck, cover and eliminate options available. Instead I am as stealthy as if Sam Fisher was a stroke victim trying to get the lid off the apple sauce. In fact, Tommy and I were discussing the fact that Naughty Dog seems to frequently employ sub-par control mechanics. Even Crash Bandicoot was off in some manner that made jumping an especially confusing experience. Which is lame because Naughty Dog does excellently in almost every other facet of game-play.

Another aspect of Uncharted 2 that feels a little lackluster is the navigability of the world. Although I am generally a map fan, I can deal with games that don’t include them as long as I can still figure out where to go. I get it. It is highly unlikely that Nathan Drake has a pre-rendered map of the exotic locations he finds himself in. I guess Naughty Dog wanted to help out the player through an ever present hint system But the addition of a hint system is not a solution for lost players. Either the levels must be streamlined in a way that moves the player towards the goal.or the Player needs some sort of messaging that they’ve already explored this damn rocky corner 17 times. Oh and it looks suspiciously like plenty of other rocky corners, so good luck telling the difference. Games like God of War 1 & 2 don’t employ a map and, even with occasional path confusion, I never feel like the world is impossible to keep track of, rather, it’s because I’ve messed up somewhere along the way or I am not looking in the right manner. In Uncharted 2, I find myself wandering around more often than I would like. Or I find myself keeping an eye on the NPC to see where they are hanging out and figure that the path must be close by. This is just another hint system mechanic. It’s almost as if Naughty Dog knows that it’s difficult to find one’s way and didn’t spend enough time creating level designs.

Uncharted 2 does set up the puzzle elements and unique action skills rather well. I feel like I always know the next step to take when it comes to puzzle rooms. The challenges are well thought out and suit the narration well. New mechanics are easy to employ, which is awesome because you usually have to use the new skill in the midst of a swarm of bullets. These portions are the most enjoyable parts of the game. There is a great train scene (no not the opening train scene that you play through twice) that has Drake ducking low signs and sneaking into windows that really shines.

I am currently playing it on hard mode but have been jogging through. When exactly does this game get difficult? Or is the difficulty just dealing with the lame control mechanic? Anywho…

The last two items on my list are completely met by Uncharted 2. The art and set pieces are immense and very Indiana Jones-like. The characters look and move well. Furthermore, even with my complaints, I have found Uncharted 2 to be a blast. It really is very fun and entertaining. I care about the characters and want to see how events resolve. It’s like Crash Bandicoot all over again. There’s something wonky there but I don’t care. I’m having a great time.

Do I consider Uncharted 2: Among Thieves to have met all my Game of the Year criteria? Not really. Do I actually know what that means? Not really. Would I buy another “Game of the Year”? Probably. Will I still gripe about it like a petulant four year old? You betcha.

I have to admit that I haven’t returned to Dragon Age: Origins or Castlevania. I have been completely obsessed with DKCR. I am not disappointed that I didn’t finish Dragon Age. I still think I’ll go back to Castlevania one day but the game on my brain was DKCR. Why was I so enthralled? It has the great schema of nerve-wracking challenges that seem impossible and tight mechanics that ramp to a “flying by the seat of your pants” abandonment. Flat out, it was fun. I missed fun. Yes, I have fun when I play most video games but usually the world that these games operate in are less than happy. I’m fairly hesitant to hang out with Dante, Lara, Kratos or Sam Fisher. (Although, I would get a drink with Ezio or Nathan Drake any time.) DKCR gave me the chance to be child-like, very different than childish, while operating on an adult skill level.

I recently tried out Little Big Planet and Stacked!. Both games are whimsical and beautifully rendered. Both are humorous. LBP seemed to require more skill than Stacked! but I have not been inspired to continue either game. Why? Well, the LBP mechanics are kinda wishy-washy. I’m not exactly sure what type of gravity they have on their planet but it makes leaping an imprecise chore. The humor and energy is there but the game just isn’t as good as it’s concept. LBP possibly has a more interesting concept than DKCR but that doesn’t mean I want to play it.  Stacked! was plain boring. Again, great art and humor but lackluster game mechanic and puzzles. Maybe I should’ve played longer but it did not feel challenging. On the other end of the spectrum, DKCR had me at first chest thump and all I wanted to do was help my simian and ape friends reclaim their bananas. DKCR made me feel awesome for conquering an especially tricky run. I did not feel that way at all after the other two games. All three games made me giggle but I felt the Kong made me want to play.

What LBP or Stacked! does that DKCR does not do is reward the player with “stuff.” All three games have a certain amount of collecting involved. In LBP, you collect a certain amount of items to be used in the creation of levels and stickers. In Stacked! you collect different sets of dolls. In DKCR you collect letters and puzzle pieces that result in personal satisfaction and/or unlockable art. I am more interested in the self-satisfaction model of “I went the extra mile and conquered some crazy craziness” as opposed to “I need these things to fully enjoy the game” (LBP) or  “I have to search endless nooks and crannies for very little payoff” (Stacked!). I, a notorious 100% completer, am satisfied by the notion that I can have as much fun as the next person by choosing to jump the hair-raising lava pit to get the extra hidden puzzle piece or not. It was a freeing concept for me and it only added to my enjoyment.

I know that there are some secret levels left, because of the new area and some unexplored map nodes. I like achievable goals. I like that there are some things that I haven’t found yet but I like knowing that they exist and that I should be looking for special level elements. In fact, I am excited to revisit levels immediately. I would have to say that is a sign of greatness.

Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles

Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles definitely comes to mind. Rail-shooters seem like a fairly safe bet for a date game. They don’t take too much skill and they’re somewhat cinematic in that there are surprises and thrills for your sweetheart to jump at and seek comfort from. Wii games are especially user friendly and the Wiimote feels natural to shoot with. It is much easier for a novice player to point and shoot rather than use two joysticks and two triggers (think Resident Evil 4).

I feel The Umbrella Chronicles is a better game than it’s successor The Darkside Chronicles, mainly because the camera gets rather shaky and nobody wants to feel pukey on a date.

Mario Tennis

The next game speaks volumes to me about sitting close to someone special in a dark basement by the soft glow of a TV. Mario Tennis for the N64 does require a bit of skill but it is so damned fun and cute, that you don’t mind losing (that much). Sports, in general have a certain amount of teasing and silly dramatics attached. If you can find a good partner and a non-threatening presentation, good times will roll.

Backgammon

Backgammon. I know it’s not a video game (although I guess it could be) but sometimes you want your hands free. Think about Backgammon as a way to drink a glass of wine and nibble on some cheese or pate to show how cultured you are. Backgammon is one of those easy to learn hard to master games that accommodate a variety of skill level. Also, if you have a loving partner that isn’t so into video games, this is a great way to prove that you don’t like games more than them. That you’re willing to share your game experience and perhaps warm them up to your side of the force. Think of it as a gateway drug to play. Some tabletop games to avoid include Chess and Scrabble. Those games will teach your partner to hate games and possibly you.

The Simpsons Arcade

Ahh, The Simpsons arcade game, how I adore thee? One, your humor and character inspire smiles. Two, you represent a familiar universe seamlessly. Three, your two button mechanic is simple but your gameplay is not. The Simpsons was one of the first brawlers that enabled players to team up and attack the same enemy. So you and your deary can alternately vacuum, jump rope, skateboard or Homerize bad guys in unison. If that ain’t romantic, I don’t know what is!

Bust A Move 4

Bust A Move 4 is my favorite of the series. I wanted to include a puzzle-type game and at first I thought that Tetris would be perfect. Then I started thinking about the amount of ladies I know that liked Tetris and the ladies I know that loved BAM 4 and, if I was being honest, I’d have to say that most of my lady friends prefer BAM 4 hands-down.

Like Tetris, anybody can play BAM 4 but unlike Tetris, BAM 4 is lushly colored and features really cute dinosaurs. Also, it does not have a “math game” or “nerd king” stigma attached to it like Tetris. As a lady, I have a certain nervousness of displaying poor math skills after years of being told that woman are poor at math and logic. Yes, this is a blanket statement and many women are great at math but it makes me work so much harder to be a better Tetris player than my date. And that can make things less than fun for all.

I have to confess that it was really difficult to not think of Nintendo games. Those guys have the date experience down. Serious. I hope all you prospective love birds make it out of Valentine’s Day alive. I know I will be hunkered down in my apartment avoiding plasticine chocolates and amorous chubby dudes with arrows with my lovey dovey and some co-op romance. Which is what we do everyday  anyway.

Perhaps the reason I reacted to Belmont so “loinsingly” is that I am a long time Castlevania fan and Lords of Shadow is doing a great job of transferring what I imagined everything in Castlevania to look like to a new format. I have always had a crush on those from the Belmont clan. Back in the pixel art days I had a mental image of Simon Belmont that was vaguely pulled from his on-screen image. Lords of Shadow is just extending my deep-seated love of all things Belmont. This new Gabriel Belmont, somehow, fits the mental image I already had of an typical Castlevania protagonist. This is a good thing. This makes Castlevania: Lords of Shadow feel like a Castlevania game.

Apart from the mythology, Lords of Shadow plays very similar to a God of War game. Combos, mini-games, special battle power gauge that is filled by executing enemies, and a robust upgrade system are just a few of the Kratos inspired features. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as combat is truly awesome in God of War but it isn’t exactly innovative. It did make it quite easy for me to get into. The “metroidvania” mechanic of revisiting levels and areas as Belmont earns new skills is intact but without a map, things get a little confusing at times. I have always liked the chance to revisit areas, as in Metroid. This is because I am obsessive and need to get 100% complete on everything. That issue needs a whole other blog post but offering the chance to revisit areas seriously cuts down on my anxiety that I missed something important. The levels have been fun so far and I dig the enemies, so going back hasn’t felt overly grindish. Oh and the game looks great. The camera can be a little jittery. It, again, reminds me of the camera work in God of War I. The camera stays out of the rocks but occasionally there is such dramatic switch in perspective it seems that the whole world shimmied and moved a little to the left.

Overall, I have been enjoying Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. It’s a fun entry into the Castlevania world, much better than the other attempt at a 3D Castlevania, Lament of Innocence. Jeez. What a stinker that was.

Jess’s Grade-O-Rama: B+

I now own all three of the newest generation consoles: Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3. On the train ride home from my parent’s house, I explained to my boyfriend all the awesome things the PS3 can do. His wise response was that he no longer saw the purpose of owning a Wii and, possibly, the Xbox. As I had just received games for all three consoles, I nervously scoffed at his assessment. If he was correct, then the dollars spent on the other two consoles would be lost in uselessness. This was not good news for my tiny tight wad heart.

I knew that when I got home that I wanted to play some game. Would I continue on with Splinter Cell? Or would I jump right into GOW 3? I was nervous about breaking the PS3 seal. Would I ever go back? Well, it was my boyfriend who gave me the PS3. When he saw me attempt to turn on the Xbox to get some quality time with Sam Fisher his face fell as if I had just punted his disabled puppy. So there you go. Time to turn on the PS3 and see what she can do.

Wowza. Eddie was right. I may no longer have any use for the Xbox and Wii. Especially if Mass Effect 3 is going to be simultaneously released on the 360 and PS3. The Wii might still entice me with the new Zelda but after the poor showing known as Metroid: Other M, I feel no pressure to jump on the re-visioned Zelda train. As it is, I barely use the Wii. The most attention it receives is when I want to watch Netflix but now the PS3 even does that better. Oh well.

From the moment I switched the PS3 on, I was in love. I dig the simple interface. I find the Wii and the Xbox’s interface too busy for my tastes. I hate clutter. I hate in at my workspace or in my apartment or in my interface. This is not to say that, left alone to my own devices, my personal spaces are spic and spam but I will say that my desktop has a minimum of icons and files.

I also have to say that the PS3 is super quick. It downloads files fairly speedily. I didn’t download anything too huge, like I have on the Xbox, as of yet but, call it a hunch, I bet it’s quicker. Internet connection is where the PS3 and Wii beat the Xbox. Both consoles come wired with Wi-Fi while the Xbox asks you to buy a peripheral or plug into the wall. Really? Come on Microsoft, don’t be so lame. Name me another internet capable device being sold today that does not come equipped with Wi-Fi and I will show you a shoddy product. From what I know, Wi-Fi shouldn’t really be that difficult (or expensive) for Microsoft to implement and yet, they chose not to. Why? To squeeze another $100 from the consumer. Maybe they wanted to keep the price down to compete with the PS3 but when the cheapest console (Wii) can manage it, so can Microsoft.

While we are on the topic of boldly lame moves, how about the lack of a rechargeable controllers in both the Wii and Xbox? The PS3 comes with a rechargeable controller that is charged by connecting it to the console. In both the Wii and Xbox, the consumer must purchase a recharging peripheral. By the way, I bought the recharging dock for the Xbox and it broke immediately. Just like the first Xbox I bought home. Awesome. Oh and pay for Netflix? When I already have a subscription?!? Crazy.

Obviously the PS3′s graphic quality is going to outperform the Wii. Even Nintendo will admit that, so I don’t feel the need to drag them into the HD battle. I think they are planning to address the HD issue soon anyway. As for the PS3 to Xbox debate I would have to say that the PS3 does seem a bit more glossy when I compare games like Dragon Age to God of War. But I have to admit that Splinter Cell: Conviction is as nice looking as God of War. I know that developers have just begun to explore the PS3′s capabilities while the Xbox has already been heavily mined. This leads me to believe that the PS3 will triumph sooner rather than later. I get the feeling that the Xbox and the Wii will release at least one more generation before Sony has to revisit the Playstation.

I am so happy that my bordering on irrational love for the Playstation is not misguided. If any other of you cheap bastards are on the fence about whether to buy a PS3 or not, do it. From one cheapo to another: It’s worth it.

I am a huge God of War fan. You might recall that it was God of War that got me this job. So, why haven’t I played it up until this point? Well, I’m cheap and the PS3 is expensive. Also, I have a 360 and Wii at home and foolishly figured I had enough gaming potential. Boy, was I completely wrong. (More about my PS3 reactions will come later. In short, the PS3 is freakin’ awesome!)

It’s not that I didn’t have a gnawing, insatiable need to play GOW 3. It’s just my old school NY Italian self couldn’t break away from the miserly genes handed down through the generations. Thankfully, my loved ones look after me. Or they just didn’t want any more great “deal” exchanges that would result with me owning a PS3 and them a slightly used cat. Anywho..

GOW 3 is everything I expected it to be. It is on a huge scale. It is obscene. It is beautiful and gory at once. The boss battles are luscious, challenging affairs. The kills are shockingly wicked. Kratos feels brutal and unstoppable. I only wish it exceeded my expectations. I know that’s an unfair sentence but it is true. GOW 1 was completely innovative with it’s combo system that pleased those with controller finesse and button mashers alike. Kratos was an outrageous character as savage as he was driven. The set pieces, the mini-games, weapons, yadda, yadda, yadda. We all know the score. GOW 2 had beautiful art presented on a grand scale. The lack of load points led to a fluid, cinematic feel.  The bosses and flight scenes were some of the best I’ve ever played. I feel that games like Batman Arkham Asylum and Star Wars: Force Unleashed are inspired by the GOW series.

GOW 3 has everything GOW 2 had but I think it suffered in its position as the PS3 showpiece. It’s as if the designers were in a meeting and said, “make it EPIC” every chance they got. Perhaps even a little “X-TREME” was peppered in as well. Almost every fight in GOW 3 is a boss battle. I felt it lacked some of the enemy clusters in dangerous hallways that I so loved. Sometimes, the player wants to just let loose and kill a bunch of dudes without worrying about the hit sequence or cover points. This is not to say that the EPIC battles weren’t enjoyable but even hard games need to give you a moment to let off some steam. I did play it on Hard Mode but I felt every interaction was a struggle and I am most X-TREME. Of course, I am going to replay it on Titan Mode because I like punishment (another Italian-Catholic gene handed down from my forebears.)

The new implementation of the magic has me on the fence. In GOW 1-2, magic is independent of the weapon you use. GOW 3 introduces the magic tied to the weapon mechanic. While this mechanic offers a chance to try out different weapons more easily/readily, it did wind up affecting the weapons I utilized which, in turn, affected the magic I used. This is a mild bummer as I favor the Blades of Athena and Nemean Cestus for combat and use them almost exclusively. That means that I couldn’t quickly activate the magic tied with the Claws of Hades and Nemesis Whip, ie they never get used. I did feel that perhaps a player with a penchant for using all weapons would find the system just fine but I am a player that uses what works over what has the most style. Perhaps in my replay, I will try and master all the weapons.

What works super well are the special items and the combat overall. Kratos is feeling spry in his old age. He is responsive and graceful. The old favorite combos are there plus some new baddassery. Items are both useful for traversing puzzles and for beating the snot out of enemies. And those beatings are immense. At some point, Kratos takes out Helios and well, uses his decapitated noggin as a lantern. It’s pretty fantastic. There is the requisite sexy scene, which is pretty sexy but loses out a little bit in the fact that players have been waiting for it to all along. The surprise is gone but I felt that the designers were damned if they did and damned if they didn’t. The sexy scene has been a hallmark of GOW since the beginning but how to make the oldest act new? There is a subtle nod to this dilemna with a half-naked priestess that I appreciated.

GOW 3 is totally worth it. Even without the bloodshedding awesomeness, it is satisfying to complete Kratos’s story. I wished the game was longer, though not because there was a lack of game time but rather so I could have just a little more fun.

Jess-O-Meter: A

Originally, I popped in Mass Effect 2 but honestly, it was too Bioware, too familiar from the Dragon Age model. I wanted something entirely new. Luckily for me, it’s Christmas and that means a office nerd gifts! Nobody gets me nerd gifts like my co-workers. I was not disappointed. I unwrapped Tommy’s gift and there was Sam Fisher giving me the eyeball. I’ve never played a Splinter Cell game before. I usually don’t go for realistic war time games and assumed, perhaps incorrectly, that anything with Tom Clancy’s name on it wasn’t worth my time. Yes. I am a game and book snob. And don’t get me started on music.

Once Splinter Cell was up on screen, I was singing a different tune. First off, it is a beautiful game. The voice acting is superb and although it seems a little Jack Bauer at times, the story piques my interest. Like Jack Bauer, Sam Fisher is a complete badass in both deed and word. He employs violence as a major interrogation tool, can clear an entire hanger of thugs and stalks his prey from the shadows. What’s not to like?!?

Fisher comes across as very agile and very deadly. The cover system, while not completely flawless, is really strong. By holding the trigger and aiming at highlighted cover points, Fisher can silently move from cover to cover without getting stuck on unwanted surfaces. Sometimes, the cover area you want does not highlight but there is usually a way to find another path. I find the the aiming/sniping behaviour is very forgiving and usually fair. This did not stop me from a couple of, “Come on! I shot that guy!” moments.
I also have to give the pace a big thumbs up. This is one of those games where you look up after a particulary intense session and realize two hours have passed. The tension vs action ratio is great. Also, there aren’t any in-game loads. Splinter Cell: Conviction does most of its loading during sweet cut-scenes. This makes for a fairly seamless experience. I find that the missions are clear yet challenging. I haven’t gotten “lost” yet. This is not to say I’m just breezing through. My Sam Fisher has definitely gotten shots to the face but this just makes me replay to mess up that dude that messed up my dude. dude.

There are plenty of gadgets and weapons that can be upgraded. Weapon upgrade points are earned by executing certain challenges like pulling 5 guys out of windows or sniping a certain amount of guys from the shadows. I like this type of reward system. I feel it encourages me to try actions that I might ordinarily wouldn’t. For example, if I know this one action will work, I will do that action as much as I can. But if I can get a bigger, better gun by executing a less tested move, I will definitely try it out.

Bottom line: Get Tommy to buy you Splinter Cell: Conviction. You won’t be disappointed!

I know I haven’t been very good this year. Or last year for that matter. But if you could ignore the hours of murderous rampages I executed in space, mystical realms and parallel universes, I would really be in to the idea of getting something special under my tree.  These are the items I am willing to settle for:

1. Fully functioning Tardis and or Time Travel Delorean (not picky here!)

2. Light Cycle that dices up the punks wandering the Brooklyn Streets

3. Giant cyclops robot horse/dog to ride into work. The MTA is waaay too unrealistic.

4. Magically enchanted power ring (good or evil.. but probably evil)

5. Sword of Thundara

6. some sort of rocket launcher/flamethrower/gatling gun combo (do these come in pink?)

7. dominion over animals

8. dominion over machines

9. dominion in general

10. knee socks

Thanks Santa! And remember… I know where you live.

Oh and Uncle Melvin says “Hey there, Bear!”:

TTFN!

Anywho, in celebration of the day that the Native Americans got royally screwed, here are some games that, I feel, have screwed the general gaming populations.  Here it comes. Some nominations for the worst Game Turkeys:

I know. I know. I really shouldn’t have had so much hope for a movie tie-in but I love me some Peter Venkman. This game had all the hooks: awesome voice talent, big game house budget and time, something that more immediate tie-ins never have. What was I expecting? Humor and the chance to fire a proton pack.  What did I get? Lame jokes and lamer game mechanics. Bummer town.

Gobble Score: Sawdust turkey chewed by Aunt Edna’s toothless maw.

The Simpsons Game is a bit trickier than just a simple write-off as another jerky turkey tie-in game. I have extremely fond memories of The Simpsons Arcade Game. That game ruled! Marge’s vacuum attack? Priceless! While the art was attractive, this game played awfully. Characters could barely interact with environments due to a shoddy control scheme. So what could be a pretty and surreal experience was decimated by the frustration of pressing a button that must be pressed, but for some odd reason physically cannot be pressed. D’oh.

Gobble Score: Coagulated Cranberry Jiggle.

Now I love me some Dante. What breathing lady wouldn’t? I was super excited to load this game up. I was super excited for a little Nero love. I was ready and receptive for all of it. That is until I realized that DMC 4 was the exact same game as DMC1-3. And Nero was a frustrating combatant. I was starting to get down on this series when the powers that be decided that it would be a good idea to re-fight all of the bosses you just fought and defeated again. But the fact that DMC was so locked into its formula just completely turned me off. As an aside, I loved Bayonetta. It had a vibrancy that DMC has lost.

Gobble Score: Uncle Jimmy passed out in the potatoes.

It is not a secret that I’m not so into Final Fantasy. I’m not so keen on turn-based strategy games. But I really, really want to be on the Final Fantasy train. The mythos seems so rich and artsy! I thought that this shooter would be a nice way for me to ease into the FF universe without submitting myself to the torture of turn-based malarkey. Good idea. Instead of torturing myself with epically slow “battles” I now get to deal with sloppy aiming, boring weapons and one of the most frustrating cameras I have ever dealt with. Needless to say, I still am on the outside of the FF party looking in.

Gobble Score: Fluffy puppy jello salad barf.

Lost Planet: Extreme Conditions might be the winner of the award for quickest hateful reaction. Honestly, I don’t think I clocked more than 30 minutes before I deemed this game unplayable. Perhaps I came to the series too late? Perhaps I should check out Lost Planet 2? I don’t know if I’m even interested….

Gobble Score: Trypto Coma

Happy Thanksgiving!

Or….not.

What furthers the awesomeness is that you get to play as not one but three different Spider-Mans..err..Spider-Men(?)! Totally tubular dude! But all outbursts aside, I enjoyed the style of each Spider-Guy and the reminder that these disparate story threads co-exist. Each Spider-Man starts with different skills that can be passed through time portals to each other.  I love time portals.  I really do.

Ok so the story isn’t so deep but who cares when you’re juggling bad guys like the bean bags I never could actually juggle.

One disappointment is that the level environments don’t quite live up to Spidey’s skill sets.  There are a couple of small challenges that require Spider-Man to utilize a specific skill. Like Metroid, Spidey can access hidden objects through backtracking after receiving the pertinent skill.  Unlike Metroid, in which your specific beam or suit was necessary to defeat an entirely new hostile environment, Spider-Man’s skills are use to break a couple of objects and never really progress past a key-like function.  Perhaps this is due the fact that levels are very similar to one another and all require the same set of skills for exploration.

While I haven’t completed the entire game, I get the feeling that the end is nigh (confirmed just now by one N. Mikros). I am already saddened by the future lack of Spider-Man.  I’m not sure if “leaving them wanting more” is what Activision had in mind but it certainly describes my psychological environment.  Unfortunately, I don’t think that the replay value is very high with this game. There just isn’t enough uniqueness in level challenges or enemies to entice me. I will have to remain in an anxious state of waiting for the next installment.  Although, it’s possible I may pick it up in a couple of months just to revisit Spider-Man’s agility and power.

In preparation for raucous hauntings and fun frights I wanted to mention some of the games that have scared me throughout my illustrious gaming life.  These games are listed in the order in which I remembered them.  Perhaps that says something about how much they seared their brand of scary into my brain. Perhaps not.

That'll teach 'em.

Bioshock’s cast of splicers, Adam addled school girls and all-round maniacs definitely stressed my spook quotient.  Man, those splicers can be quick and slashy, appearing when you least expect them.

I know a good doctor that could remove that growth from your face

There were points in my Dead Space career in which I would turn off the game because I was too jumpy to continue.  The cinematic isolation, horrific deaths and anxiety-inducing soundtrack all led to me only playing this game during the day. A sunny day. With lots of birds chirping.

MAAWWWW!!!

Resident Evil 4 maybe isn’t the scariest game I’ve encountered but the ambiance and propensity towards large masses of evil dudes crunching on Leon Kennedy’s face did garner more than a couple of expletives from my maw.

I really doubt that pistol is going to have much of an effect....

Silent Hill 2 marks the only game on this list that I didn’t finish and only saw later levels while watching others play.  A video game that can scare the people in the room not playing it is a scary video game indeed.

BBQ! I love a good burnt briskett.

The Thing! This is one of themore successful movie to game imports.  Although it didn’t exactly feel like John Carpenter’s vision, it had enough craziness to turn the notch up on my anxiety meter.

I was going to mention Castlevania Symphony of the Night but honestly, I don’t remember it as scary as more vampire sexy.  I want to also say that the N64 game HeXen also disturbed me a little.  I’m not exactly sure why…

Happy Halloween!

At first, I was hesitant to get started.  I’ve been wronged by fantasy rpg’s before and I didn’t want to get my hopes up.  But this was Bioware, maker of my beloved Mass Effect.  They wouldn’t let me down. Well, I can say this about that, Dragon Age is freakin’ awesome!  I have been playing non-stop at the peril of my eyesight and personal relationships. (Why exactly does Bioware make their text in migraine font?)  In fact, I now have dreams with multiple-choice dialogs.

While I completely love Mass Effect, I get the feeling that the Dragon Age universe is deeper and more involved then what I experienced with Shepherd at the helm.  I suppose with 6 story lines to follow and 120 hours of gameplay, Dragon Age: Origins would have to feel huge.  My first dose of universe magnitude came after I restarted the game about 5 hours in.  I don’t know about you but I am one of those players that constantly battles the urge to restart using the knowledge of some outcomes to make what might be “better” choices.  I then do some quick calculations of how OCD I am verses how much time I’ve already spent playing.

Sometimes I win this battle.  This time I lost.  I basically remade the same character I had been playing but changed some of the stats.  On the second time through, most of my options were the same but not all.  The guard I had previously been able to persuade to release his prisoner was less open this time around and I had to bribe him.  While not exactly the outcome I was hoping to gain by restarting, it did point to the fact that the amount of gameplay I could see was disproportionate to the gameplay I was not seeing.  It’s the ole tip of the iceberg trick.  In other words, there is potential for an awesome amount of  replay value in Dragon Age: Origins. Maybe this game will actually help me save money by distracting me for weeks instead of hours.  I am already looking forward to checking out the other races and classes.  I know I should not expect wildly different experiences but I still look forward to comparing story tracks.  I feel that if the story is written well enough, then there should be a desire to see that story from every angle.  As opposed to Mass Effect, I get the feeling that my character’s background actually will effect the NPC’s.  I did not get that impression with Shepherd.  It didn’t matter if she was an orphan or a military brat.  In Dragon Age: Origins the racism against elves is palpable and nobody really wants to be seen with a Grey Warden.  This piques my interest into how the other characters experience will compare to my current elf lady mage.

My theory is that Mass Effect could have been Dragon Age: Origins but Bioware was courting different audiences.  Mass Effect might be a somewhat lighter experience so those intimidated or uninterested in the complexities of a full-blown rpg can have a product that also offers a richness to the experience through great writing, heroic themes and highly customizable characters.  Dragon Age: Origins is definitely intended for the WoW players and middle-earthians.  At this point in my life, I am sometimes turned off by the medieval fantasy setting.  This is due to the amount of hokiness I’ve had to put up with as a fan of the genre.  I am a grown woman who wants mature (get your minds out of the gutter) story-lines.  There is a small amount of damsels-in-distress that I can actually get behind and unicorns should be cruel and violent not virgin transportation (why else have the crazy, stabby horn?).  I am not ashamed that I am all sorts of “Huzzah!” for this game.  And now that I mention it, I have missed the pleasures of spell casting and flaming broadswords.

Man. I can’t wait to get out of work so I can go play me some game!

Famous mute protagonists include Jack Ryan from Bioshock and Isaac Clarke from Dead Space. The main difference between these unlucky gents is that there is or conceivably can be a reason why Jack is silent as opposed to Isaac, who is just a regular chap beset by very irregular circumstances. Jack’s head has been severely messed with by an egotistical/bug nuts crazy father figure and a shady (severe understatement) scientist. Although, Jack does give the initial voice over, he does not speak a word of audible language through out the game. In a somewhat ironic twist, Jack does not get a voice until he puts on the Big Daddy suit (and that voice is more of a moan than anything). Furthermore, when Jack dons the Big Daddy suit he must go through the voice modification process which, I believe, is a complete severing of the vocal chords. While odd that Jack can speak the game’s opening lines and nothing more, it is not out of the realm of possibilities in a submerged city, surreal alternate universe type of way. I am not bothered by Jack’s silence mainly because I have already been clued into the fact that this is a game that is not tethered to reality.  Jack is being controlled by so many different forces: Fontaine, Suchong, Ryan, Tenenbaum and the player, that is acceptable that he doesn’t have a voice or a choice.

Isaac Clarke’s silence is another matter.  Dead Space takes place in the year 2508 in this (yours and mine, reader friends) universe. Earth has chugged along to its assumed fate of 500 years in the future bereft of natural resources. Isaac’s universe is presented as the player’s universe and that is where his silence becomes a bit unrealistic and frustrating. If Isaac is just a regular human on a regular day, why doesn’t he ever tell Kendra to shut up and stop freaking out? I sure would have if I was in his gravity boots.  Why doesn’t he ever voice his opinion on Hammond’s knowledge of what was on the Ishimura? Are we saying that in 500 years humans will not feel the necessity to express themselves during periods of heightened periods of stress? How come Kendra and Hammond can yammer on but Isaac is committed to his monk-like vow of silence? In contradiction to Bioshock where the player can understand why Jack is not completely under player control, in Dead Space there is no reason why Isaac shouldn’t be thinking, speaking and reacting through player directives.

As it was Samus that started this discussion, I will use her silent ways to explore the secretive protagonist. Samus is a woman of action and, until recently, little words. The difference between Samus and the previously described mute protagonist is that her character is presented with choices inherent to the non-linear nature of the Metroid series. Samus gets a directive and either immediately follows it or goes off to explore another section in search of upgrades and newly accessible pathways.  Yes, Samus will eventually have to return to the directive but it’s not a “jump and how high” situation as in Dead Space and Bioshock. This is not to say that all Metroid players are not directed towards the same end goals but the paths may be different from player to player. In this manner, players can begin to connect to their own “Samus.” The player and Samus tangentially explore and discover the world together.  There isn’t the thought that there is someone in the universe that knows more about Samus then the player.

To that ends, it should be said that as opposed to Isaac and Jack, Samus seems to always be in control of her situation.  This sense of control, however, delineates between a survival game (everything is happening to you) from an adventure game (you are causing things to happen).  I wonder if there is a correlation there between the mute protagonist and horror/survival games.  Perhaps one day I will do some research but that’s another day and another huge blog post.

The last silent protagonist is the reactive type.  Link from the venerable Legend of Zelda series is the epitome of the silent, reactive protagonist.  In Windwaker, Tetra reacts to Link as if he makes statements but the little sound that does come out of our reticent hero adds up to a couple of grunts, sighs and yips. I have read in multiple places that Nintendo says it doesn’t want to make Link talk because it would “contradict players’ individual interpretations of the character,” but none of these quote users include citation so I don’t know how reliable the information is.  I do agree, however, with the sentiment.  Without hearing Link’s side conversations, the player is allowed to come to a spectrum of conclusions.

Players don’t have a chance to mentally change Link’s overall personality because the Zelda universe keeps him on track.  For example, it’s fairly hard to imagine Link dropping f-bombs and pushing drugs on them yeti guys.  He’s just not that guy and never will be.  Even in Twilight Princess where Hyrule gets a bit more dangerous and adult, Link still sticks to the script.  We know he is loyal, so he is not going to respond disingenuously.  We know he is heroic, so of course he is going to help the lonely lady find her rabbit-loving husband. In this manner, we can gleam the tone and type of response Link will give in almost every situation.

Others might argue that the main characters in Dragon Age are reactive, silent protagonists but I disagree.  It is true that the characters do not audibly speak, but the player chooses dialogue that translates through the secondary character reactions.  Where Dragon Age differs from other games is that the player gets to mold the personality type of their character, which seems related to the silent character in that the player imprints their own personality onto the game avatar.

Although I think the Bioshock silent protagonist is more enjoyable / understandable than the Dead Space version, I’d have to say that where both games fail is in the protagonist character development.  Both heroes take orders without missing a beat. Both heroes put themselves in immense danger for strangers and unknown loyalties. Why? As a player, I do not feel connected enough to imprint my own emotions or attitudes on the avatar. These two dumb jerks just do whatever there told and never discernibly question their directives or the outcomes of said directives. It does not surprise me that both sequels for these titles will let the protagonist speak.  I want to not that I enjoyed both games and the mute protagonist in both games seemed to lend to their cinematic quality.  In fact, I would go so far to say that both game’s sets where a bigger character than the protagonists themselves.  I look forward to both sequels.

It does not surprise me that the two other protagonists I chose to explore are Nintendo creations.  Their ability to create entire nuanced universes with minimalist tools would seem to support the use of a silent protagonist.  It does not surprise me that there are generations of gamers that identify with such tight-lipped heroes as Link, Samus and, even, Mario.  These characters “play” along with the gamer and are very effective in endearing themselves to the public.  Thus, the public responds poorly if some developers come along and mess with a player’s imagined bond with a character.

Silent protagonists can and are as effective as the speaking protagonist.  I do not have a preference between the two, as long as the protagonist type serves the experience and not the other way around.

Originally, I had played God of War II with a ravenous excitement. God of War was one of my favorite games and I completely bought the hype for GoW II. I remember the opening fight with the Colossus had left me with a feeling that finally, a game has lived up to the hype. I had been impressed by the scale of the experience and the little to no loading times. I had appreciated that the button scheme supported both precision players (me) and button mashers (some others who shall not be named). I thought the story was continuous and kick ass. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire game and played each mode, including Titan. In fact, it is GoW II that got me this illustrious job at SMASHWORX. I was getting my haircut and talking to my future boss (my hair cutter’s husband) about my GoW experience. About a week later I get a call from Nik saying, “Hey, You seem to know a lot about games and you’re a good writer. Want a job?” So basically, my job came about because I had clear, discussable points about game mechanics and could crack a joke. Sometimes that’s all you need.

On repeat play I have to say, GoW II really stands up. It’s still brain-bustingly fun. GoW II’s set design, optics and art makes one feel that everything around you is massive and goes further than what presented on tv. Now that I’m in the business of making games, I’m perhaps more impressed than on my first play. GoW II is a tight, frenetic experience that is so damn satisfying. I’m impressed with how much fun the battles are and, besides a couple of duds, how well the puzzles work. The creature design is top notch and reminds me more of Ray Harryhausen’s Clash of the Titans than the new, terrible version. Honestly, GoW II looks better than some of the recent Xbox titles I’ve played.

The only disappointment I felt upon replay was actually quite surprising. Ahh, Kratos. If only you could take a little more responsibility in your actions…That’s right, folks. I’m beefing the ultimate Beefcake. Admit it. Kratos is a bit of a whiner. He’s always blaming the Gods, “The Gods are what they made me,” or crying foul over godly pettiness. Come on man. Maybe you should keep the “why me” act to yourself. We get it. The Gods are Jerks (with a capital J). But how about a little mystery, K-man? I know that I complained about Samus giving herself away last post but I can’t help myself. It’s hard as a player to completely agree with a character’s decisions. This is not true about movies, where the audience has no chance of physical interaction or input on unfolding events. As a game player, I am looking for a certain amount of autonomy that I can’t acquire through books or movies. I can’t quite remember if Kratos complained as much in the first GoW. Maybe I am mistaken and Kratos was always the petulant but I feel as if his defiant attitude was not properly addressed in GoW II. I don’t think that straight up story play through is dated, I thoroughly enjoyed the story of Bayonetta. It’s just some of the script in GoW II tries a little to hard to say something when maybe actions are all Kratos needs to express his point.

Honestly, a game is as good as it plays and GoW II plays mighty fine. I think it holds its own against newer titles and am interested in playing it in a year from now to again re-gauge the experience. Now to convince Nik that the office needs a PS3 and a copy of GoW III….